Hey, everybody.
I see bob and david in your future.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
Oh, thank you.
What a special night we have for you planned here tonight.
That's not the line. I know, yes.
What a great night we have for you here tonight, planned.
No, you said planned again.
I know, that's the line right ? "Planned for you tonight."
No, planned isn't-- Well, let's just look at the rehearsal tape.
Forrester, can you roll the rehearsal tape from this morning ?
I'm sorry.
It's "planned for you tonight."
( Director ) hey, everybody, it's bob and david.
Applause, applause, applause and go.
Hey, we've got a great show for you tonight.
We certainly have. Dr. Bologna is back.
So that's it. I didn't say "planned."
You didn't say "planned" at all.
How are people gonna know the show's planned if i don't say it ?
We'll put a super down at the bottom of the screen.
They'll think we're just making it up.
David, david !
In the cage ! Right now ! In the cage !
Bob, in the cage right now !
Get in the cage ! Get in there !
Keep it quiet ! Keep it quiet !
Quiet down.
They're fine.
They like it.
They like to get hit.
Performers aren't like you and me.
They have thick skin.
They can hardly feel it.
( Director ) no, cut.
Could you give me a better kiss ?
Yeah, i know how to fix it.
Linda, face.
Todd, face.
( Lane ) well, there's some tricks i've learned
To get the best out of them.
Stay.
( Director ) great, thank you.
It's a good feeling when you get it right.
( Lane ) if i do my job right,
You can't even tell i was there.
( Phone ringing )
Hello.
( Phone continues ringing )
Hello.
Hello. Yes, doctor ?
There's a reason for the phrase, "as dumb as an actor".
It's my personal dream that someday
You can train actors to be useful to society.
To help people perform simple tasks.
Maybe even to assist the elderly or the blind.
( Knocking )
Yes, who is it ?
Karen, it's me jonathan, i've come to read to you.
Jonathan, hi, sit down.
Here, look.
I've made some tea and some homemade cookies for you.
Oh, that's so sweet of you.
Oh, here.
No, no, wait. I'll do it, i'll do it.
Okay.
No, i can do it myself.
Okay.
It's okay. I'm okay, i'm okay.
I'm so sorry. I'm gonna have some.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, thank you. It's good.
I'm glad you liked it.
Yes, it's so nice.
It's so nice of you to come and
Read to a poor blind girl every night.
Oh, it's my pleasure.
Tonight i brought a novel by my favorite author,
D.H. Lawrence.
Oh, d.H. Lawrence, isn't that a little racy ?
No !
Okay.
"Their succulent, hairless bodies
"Meshed moistly as they rolled
"Their nudeness through the grassy heather.
"They--" Karen ?
Jonathan,
Make love to me.
( Knocking )
What, is someone at the door ?
No, no, no. Just a nightingale flew in the room.
Shoo, shoo, birdy.
Shoo, get out of here. Who are you ?
Who am i ? Who are you, man ?
Is someone there ?
No, it's just a whispering snowman, my sweet.
What ?
Karen, it's me, steven.
Oh, steven.
Steven, this is jonathan.
This is the man who reads books to me.
What's up, man ? Oh, baby.
You know you gots to give it to me.
Karen, karen, you know this guy ?
Look, you know how you hate to describe the sunset to me.
This guy describes the sunset to you ?
Yeah.
Well, if i knew it was that important--
I'll tell you what, bro. Why don't you step aside and
Let me show you how a real man treats his woman.
Okay, the sun is setting
And it's turning this funny shade of,
I don't know, red-Dish.
I can do a better job than that.
As the star of phebus descends.
It turns all that it touches a glorious shade of crimson.
Oh, that was beautiful.
Yeah, i'll tell you what else is beautiful
Is the triple-Dipple rainbow effect that is now going on.
It's all rainbow-Y and shit.
There's no rainbow. No rainbow.
You're just jealous
'Cause you couldn't describe it first, that's all.
And also there's an eclipse. Oh, listen to it.
Oh, it's like a beautiful angel's taking a beautiful nap.
Come here. An eclipse ?
You know what he's not telling you about ?
He's not telling you about the nuclear mushroom cloud.
No !
Yeah, we gotta get out of here.
I'll save you, come with me.
No, karen, you don't have to do that because
Underdog just flew in and he swallowed the mushroom cloud
And now he's farting it out onto a leprechaun.
Okay, alright. That's it. You're bald.
Yeah, well you're a fucking faggot.
Oh, stop it !
I have something that i have to tell the both of you.
I'm not blind.
It's just that i wanted to get to know you both without all
The superficiality of appearances getting in the way.
But if either of you never wanted to see me again,
I'd understand.
That's okay with me. I still love you.
Wow, well, since we're being perfectly honest with everybody,
I guess i should say that
I am blind.
( Applause )
I didn't want to say anything 'cause blind girls hate it.
You know, they're always looking for some guy to describe shit to them,
And i guess i just can't do that, can i ?
Oh, oh, steven.
Well, uh, i'm blind too.
No, you're not, man.
You said i was bald, how would you know that ?
Oh, well, if you're blind,
Than how do you know that i'm a homosexual ?
I don't know.
Gay-Dar ?
Later, man.
Karen ?
Hey, karen.
Sayonara, sucker !
( Crashes )
( Horn beeping )
Hello !
I need help.
Emergency psychic hotline.
This is mystique, may i help you ?
Oh, yes.
( Announcer ) welcome to the emergency psychic hotline
Where psychics come to the aid of your crisis.
Now here are your hosts:
Janie path,
Audio psychic mystique,
And singer and two-Time winner
In the philadelphia regional grammies, maple syrup.
( Applause )
Well, it is an honor to meet the one and only maple syrup.
Well, your honor is perfectly understandishable.
Oh, my.
Great. Let's show the people how the emergency psychic hotline
Can help them. Caller, you're on.
) Oh, my god ! You've got to help me.
Caller, caller.
May i just say
That you have called the exactemefundo right place
For all your assistementary needs.
Please help me.
My baby fell in the pool, she can't breathe !
Slow down, caller.
First of all, i'm receiving a color image,
Sort of an aquamarine.
Does that sound familiar ?
Oh, god.
Her face is turning blue.
That's exactly what it is.
Aren't you amazed at mystique ?
How about you, maple syrup ?
Oh, my, she's wonderfuricical.
Please, how do i help her ?
What do i do ?
Are there relationships that you're having trouble with ?
Someone with the letter "j".
"J", i don't know,
Jamie ?
That's my baby's name !
Oh, my god ! How did you know that ?
There's a real split coming between you and this jamie.
But don't worry. You can expect a big raise at work.
A raise, great !
I've only been working there six months.
Thank you, emergency psychic hotline.
( Applause )
Our team of psychics are waiting for your emergency call.
Why don't you unlock your future ?
A promotion !
Wedding bells ?
I'll be re-Incarnated ?
( Narrator ) six years ago,
The seventeenth dalai lama, tibet's holy leader
Was laid to rest.
( Buddhist monks chanting )
Tibetan monks searched tirelessly
For an eighteenth incarnation
Which could have come in any form or place,
( Chanting continues )
Even this suburban home in whiting, indiana .
And the unlikely lama ?
High school senior dougie bendall.
Hey, mom !
I don't understand. Where you guys taking me ?
Dougie ! Derek !
Hey, dude, you can't go. We've got kiss tickets.
Yeah, i could get used to this.
( Dougie ) derek, tibet's totally cool.
You'd like it.
They said i'm the dolly lama, whatever that means.
Alls i know is
They treat me like a king and i gotta act real quiet.
Write back.
( Derek ) dear, dolly lama.
( Derek laughing )
Dude, this town sucks without you here.
Sorry so sloppy, derek.
Derek, i am learning much.
We are all one in the arms of gotinda, the forgiving budda.
Hey, bro, did you see the video awards ?
Halen won !
P.S. I made out with patty matthews.
Dear derek,
It does my soul good to hear about patty
And it is good news about van halen.
Like the lotus,
They bloom for you again and again.
You must find time to visit.
Respect all of life.
From the lowly beetle bug to the nuclear reactor's core.
That is my teaching for today.
Kundun, you have a visitor from america.
Yo, dolly g ! What up, nigga !
What's the dealy, dolly ?
Derek, you are a fresh wind that blows from home.
All right.
Man, this place is swigity sweet.
Yes, derek. What brings you to tibet ?
Here's the deal, yo.
My parents kicked me out again and i'm fucking tired of working
Ten hours a week at the shrewdy mart.
So i thought maybe you could hook my shit up with a jizzob,
You know ?
Put me in charge of some of these bald motherfuckers.
Yes, derek.
Much has changed for me since our last encounter.
Yeah, yeah, change, yeah, i'm down, man.
I totally got into hip hop this year.
Hip hop ?
Derek, the life of a monk is simple,
But it is also rigorous and challenging.
Look, your horniness,
Remember what you wrote in my yearbook before you left ?
B.F.F.
Best friends forever.
Oh, derek.
You re-Incarnated asshole.
Kundun, is everything alright ?
Everything is fine, li po.
I was just talking to your new shift supervisor.
All right! Fucking excellent !
Oh, but, derek. You must assure me,
Are you open to learning ?
Fool, i'm all about learning.
Well, i guess my shit does stink after all.
Derek, i think you're funny.
It's just that, the monks,
They've been beat down for like 500 years and--
I'm out of here
Like richard gere.
Li po, ti prok, where are you going ?
If derek leaves we go with him.
He has taught us the greatest lesson of all.
You can't spell enlightenment without lighten.
Derek, looks like you've done it again.
What can i say ?
Okay, okay, cut the shit !
All right, we got our work cut out for us.
Tomorrow is the big
500th summer olympican,
And we gotta figure out how we're gonna beat
Those rich snobs from the fat kids camp.
William van landingham !
The third, my dear boy.
Good luck tomorrow.
We've beaten you for the past 500 years
And tomorrow, we're making it 501.
( Applause )
All right.
Let's keep it clean this year.
On your mark, get set...
Relax, home slice.
The science of derekology
Is officially in effect.
All right. It's time for the last event.
This one's worth a hundred points
So it's still anyone's game.
It's the freestyle rap competition.
Fat kids, who will be representing ?
Camp wannahabe is proud to present its newest member,
Professor murder.
A ringer !
Kundun, you have to do something.
What can i do ? I can't rap.
Hip hop.
Where's derek ?
( Rapping ) * yeah, check it out
* if a nigger's getting paid, he collects all his riches *
* but he never has enough motherfucking bitches *
* and snitches
Derek, what's wrong ?
Laryngitis. Can't rap. You gotta do it.
I can't.
Guess we lose again this year.
* niggers talking shit i'm-A shoot them in the gut *
* causing hocus pocus like my man, kurt vonnegut *
Word.
Well, monks.
If you don't have a rapper, i'm afraid you'll have to forfeit.
The winners for the 501st year in a row--
Wait !
Pass the mic, yo.
( Rapping ) * a rap, rap, a rap, rap, rap *
* a rap, rap, a rap, cap nap *
* get rapping with it
* hey, get rapping with it, ho *
Damn, his science is too tight.
* a rap, a rap, a rapity rap, rap *
* rap, rap a rap, rap, rap *
* get rapping oh, you did it bro !
The winner of the--
I'm trying to-- Oh, screw it.
Dougie, you did it, bro.
Hey, hey your voice.
You didn't have laryngitis.
What can i say ?
( Beeping )
* hey, everybody i know a place where you can get together.... *
Hey, duckie ! Hey, duckie !
Get the fuck in here.
* oh, yeah
And that's how it happened.
After that, we drove to hollywood,
Changed our names to bob and david
And started the show with dr. Bologna.
Hey, what'd you think of the show, dr. Bologna ?
All right ! All right !
Let's go, back in the cage ! C'mon, let's go, right now.
That way, over this way. Get over, right now !
Right now. In, get in !
Get in right now. Get in ! Get in !
Get in, come on now !
Come on, come on !
Stay in there.
( Applause )